Sayings that your mum says

MY MUM:

1. My mum taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mum taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mum taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mum taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mum taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me.'

6. My mum taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mum taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mum taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.'

9. My mum taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mum taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mam taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mum taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mum taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mum taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mum taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mum taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mum taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mum taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mum taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mum taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mum taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mum taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mum taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mum taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mum taught me about JUSTICE'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Well, it took forty years but here are the new labels being considered for liquor bottles these days. This should be taken seriously!!! 

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes  

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: 


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the 
hell happened to your bra and panties. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are 
whispering when you are not. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a 
retard. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends 
over and over again that you love them. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that 
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically 
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are 
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are 
laughing WITH you. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting 
your ass kicked. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel 
gode.

Have You Got The Wrong Job?

Guess what this is.

Britain's Newest Prison.

Prison v Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little clearer. 

AT PRISON you send the majority of your time in a 10 x 10 cell.

AT WORK you send the majority of your time in a  6 x 6 cubical.

AT PRISON you get three meals a day fully paid for.

AT WORK you get one break for one meal which you have to pay for.

AT PRISON the guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK yo must often carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

AT PRISON you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

AT PRISON you get your own toilet.

AT WORK you have to share your toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

AT PRISON they allow you family and friends to visit.

AT WORK you aren't supposed to speak to you family and friends.

AT PRISON all expenses are paid for by the taxpayers and no work is required.

AT WORK you get to pay all you expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

AT PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

AT PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK they are called managers.

Weird!!!!!

Click onto the link below, and when the guy stops running, place the cursor about one inch above his head. 


http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

Some Great Senior Citizen Bumper Sticker

When You Just Have To Trust Your Pilot

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