A Little Joke For You All

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.  When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.  He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.  The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'  Of course the Madam said 'No'.  The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'  Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.  He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.  The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'  He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.  In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

Radio Interview

I was recently interviewed by Radio City Talk 105.9 presenter Pete Price about my books, click to listen to the full interview.

My interview with Pete Price

REMEMBER THESE DAYS.

Can you believe it!!!

Some good ones here  Notes left in milk bottles For those of us who remember Milk deliveries in Bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes left in milk bottles...   Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.. Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. Cancel one pint after the day after today. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today. Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole. Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. Sorry about yesterday's note.. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round. When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea? My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle? Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me. Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we ant to play bingo tonight. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday. milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice. Good aren't they!

Why Men Shouldn't Babysit

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station loo because this one is
just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £5000. Top hat & tails rental-£100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about Star Trek.

A five-day holiday requires only one small bag.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look !

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.


___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Shorty and Lofty.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £52.50. None of them will have anything smaller.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YES!!!

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, razor,
soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!

New Name For My Book

Just a quick 'heads up' about my book WISHFUL THINKING...... After an enormous 
wrangle with the publishers and a huge argument I have now took over the control 
of my book!!!!! I have changed the cover and title and I am now in control of 
the price AT LAST!!!!! Wishful Thinking is now titled 'THREE WISHES' and has a 
new and brighter cover! Oh, and is now priced correctly!!!! 
Three wishes is available NOW in kindle and paperback on Amazon. 
For anybody that's bought and read 'wishful thinking' I at first thank you and 
secondly ask that you are aware of the change. 
For anybody that wanted to but was put off(as I would have been) by the price I 
hope you will now look at THREE WISHES and especially the price. If you now 
choose to buy it I genuinely hope you enjoy it. 
Have fun, Phil.

Three Wishes - Official Book Trailer

Three wishes now available on Amazon in both paperback on kindle format. Have a watch of my book trailer, hope you enjoy.